Breaking up

The decision is made to "break the relationship". NO!!   I don't like that word break.

The decision is made to separate. Ah, a bit better.

The decision is made to not live together. However, this cannot be instant because there is a property to sell.  So...............................what is to be experienced in this limbo time??

Compassion

Uncertainty

Grief

Sadness

Hopelessness

Anger

Vulnerability

Frustration

Friendliness

Helpfulness

Letting go

Trusting

Releasing feelings. Checking in with my body barometer to see what my body is telling me!!  TIRED,  tired, tired, tired, so tired. And often times tiredness is a cover for resisting emotions. So what is here -  oh, just more of the above

The decision is made to not live together. No concept of what the future might hold. Stepping into the unknown again.

Having to be right.

It feels awful when someone corrects me. Or tell me what I need to do. Or lectures (expression of my interpretation and feeling??) me on the correct way to do something. Especially when it is someone close and they do it often when we are together.

Are you like that? Do you have to correct someone when they use a word that is not quite correct? Do you come out with a definite opinion is such a way that the other person feels that they cannot respond with a different opinion. Maybe you do it without even thinking about it?

According to the enneogram this person is probably a personality type that is disintegrating into mind stuff - just now anyway while they are feeling stressed.

Their world is not feeling safe and comfortable so they are expressing a need for things to be right as they know them. Every time someone else says something or does something that doesn't fit with what they perceive as correct, they just have to comment. It's a try at making things safe for themselves.

And yes, I am like that sometimes. I recognise this pattern from what has happened around me and also from what I have done. So I offer my apologies to anyone who has been affected by me being critical.

That's what I feel it is when I receive it - criticism.

Notice I say "I feel...." The person may not be intending to correct or criticise, but I have perceived it as such.  It's my feeling. and my perception. I do take responsibility for how I feel and how I perceive.

I am aware that when I am stressed that I am more sensitive to implied cricitism and when I am feeling strong, then things like that just roll off me and don't affect me.

This year I have been doing lots of experiencing and learning about rightness, sameness and differences. I have been letting go of some of my perceptions of what is right and expanding my awareness. What a gift!

If you need help with this issue check out www.emotionaltherapy.co.nz and maybe we can get together.

Time

Time is a funny thing!!.

Sometimes it goes fast and sometimes it goes slow.

And this all depends on our perception of it, doesn't it?  You know the story. When you are doing something fun, then it whizzes by and when you are doing something dreary, then it goes slow. When you are at the dentist time drags and yet when you are out of there, looking back, it seems like it went fast. It's over - yay!

When you meditate what does time do?

I remember sitting in the Sanctuary at Mana Retreat Centre, Cromandel, staying still in the immense stillness. The time would slow. Each minute felt like an  hour with nothing in it. No busyness, no problems to solve, no conversations, no stories. Not that I looked at a watch every minute, but there is a bell tower there that rings on the quarter hour and it was a very long time until the next chiming.

And I realised that the perception of time is just that - a perception - it's not real. Yet we set ourselves to be confined by time. We urge ourselves to do more, to get more done. Is that part of conditioning from young? That we think we need to fill this moment with doing or thinking in order to...........achieve something??

"Take your time. There is  plenty of time"

I realised this when in India at the sacred mountain Mt Arunachala. Our group realised this. When I meditate, this is realised again. There is plenty of time.
Time is what we make of it. Time is what we think it is.

Change how you think of time. To allow more possibilities. Let your mind relax. Let the future unfold. Trust yourself - whatever you need to do, will get done. Take your time.

Are you journeying to the light?

Are you on a journey to the light?

How much of a role does your mind play?

Or is it a matter of working around your mind? Or seeing through your mind? Or stopping your mind from thinking? So that you can trust your inner self.

It is amazing to see the power of the mind at work. No matter what your ego type (Enneagram) and particularly some ego types - the mind can be dominant - thinking in logic or academia or science.

The mind can seem so truthful and we believe what it thinks. Then later, we see a situation differently and realise that the mind did not have the truth afterall. The mind can be narrow in the way it perceives things.

It's great when I let go of trying to figure things out and just be light. Sometimes the answers come later and sometimes not at all. Sometimes a knowing is here, without answers. A lightness.

It's great when I let go of wishing other people to feel comfortable with me and just be light.

It's great when I welcome difference and be light.

It's great when fun and laughter are present. A lightness.

It's great when I just speak and let go of what the receiver might think or judge about my comments. And be light with me and life.

It's great when I am me in the light.

A Seed Sprouting - aka courage.

A seed is tightly contained and held in by its shell. It's strong and durable. Some seeds last for a long time. Gorse seeds can survive for 50 years and still grow.

What changes when the seed germinates and sprouts??

Well, the science minded people would say a root grows down and a sprout grows up. And then it becomes a plant.

The analogy minded people would say that the sprout displays courage and determination in it's fight to the light and to moisture.

Spiritual people might say that the seed has stepped from the safe place out into the unknown. That the seed has previously stayed contained, safe and within a shell. Then something triggered the seed to grow and begin the journey to the light. It's a journey of possibilities and dangers, depending on your perception. The sprout has to push its way through soil and maybe stones/twigs/leaves/grass. It has to survive birds or animals eating it. It has to experience heavy rain, bright sunshine, heat and shade. And many other natural occurrences.

So, does the seed display courage? I suggest that the seed is following the natural triggers for growth. Some sprouts survive and some don't.

And a human stepping out of their shell and into the unknown of not knowing the detail of the future and the potential endless possibilities. Is courage felt? It seems to me that we often say that someone else displays courage but it is not recognised in ourselves.

I took that step out of my shell into the wide potential. I didn't feel courageous. I felt compelled to take the step. I felt a myriad of feelings arising, triggered by so many changes, adjustments and adaptations. I stepped from a safe place of predictability and containment, into many new experiences.

A journey to the light.

A journey in the light of my own being. Expanding and opening to the abundance of life.

Expectations.

It's painful. .

It's awkward.

It's jolly stupid.

It's soul destroying.

Can you guess what it is?

It's realising that I have had expectations and dreams that are not happening.

What's even worse is that I was not even consciously aware of having definite expectations. How stupid is that? I thought that I was focusing on each little step of life and the synchronicity that was aligning my purpose. And that it was heading in a perfect direction - however that was and whatever it was. (Really?) A direction of spirituality and working with someone else who was of the same understanding of the path.

Really, that is what I thought. Every little synchronicity pointed in the same direction. (So I thought)

Now I realise that I was making assumptions and unconsciously thinking I knew what was what. Or is this too, a thought process that is not revealing the truth. Afterall thoughts can go in all directions and are not necessarily helpful.

So now, what do I do?

Well, my advice to myself is:
Relax and trust
Allow the feelings to be felt.
Be open to more synchronicity.
Have an intention to be the limitless potential that I am
Stay in the moment
Be still inside.
Be light with the world.

Stay open - magic may happen.

Words

I have a thing about words. I really would like people around me to use the words that express what they really mean. Such a high expectation!!

Words are funny things. The exact same word can mean different things to different people. Especially when people have different backgrounds, conditioning and up bringing. And that's without even considering the tone of the voice and the body language, both of which are a high percentage of the communication. And also included is that whole level of communication involved in connection - unspoken and unseen.

It all feels complicated to me. I spend way too much time trying to figure out what is going on for others and for me. Much easier to just leave it. Well, it's hard to keep track of the conversation and gain clarity.

And then the words that come out of my mouth - are they the truth? What meaning does someone else take from them? How do I explain myself? Are the words spoken in that moment the truth for always then? Must they be forever. Can I accept that I might express something now and then express it differently another time? And if I do, what does that mean about me? That I don't know what I think and believe? Will they take another meaning than I intended? Will I be judged?

Many questions. Too much thinking!

So if I can be non-attached - that is, observing myself in these types of situations - I see that I have some emotions connected with these situations. And judgements of myself and others. The task is to allow myself time to really feel and let go.

And even now, am I making sense to anyone??????????????? Or even to me??

Maybe this is why I can work with non-verbal children. Maybe this is why I enjoy working in the garden.
And such joy yesterday, playing with my young grandson - being totally present in the moment. Shared joy when shaking leaves, poking a finger into a hole in tree bark, poking a droplet of gum, lying on the grass, listening to birds, pointing to planes in the sky. No expectations, no judging, no reasoning  -  just joy and love.

P.S. And to be honest, I would like people to agree with me. Differences of opinions bring up feelings of .............. And this is a topic for another blog.

Walk in the bush and celebrate your body

I went for a walk in the bush today.

The track wandered up and down, round one way and then the other, over bridges, across roads, in amongst tree ferns, in amongst little ferns, in between huge trees, in between little spindly trees. The analogy was that it is like life - twists and turns, some effort needed here and then easy here, across bridges. And all the way there was a stillness. The bush and trees provide an awareness of the oneness of life. They provide a sense of the ongoing nature of life - no matter what happens, life goes on. So we may as well accept and go for the ride. The trees and the earth is here - they may shake too and then settle and their energy regenerates all of us.

 The sound of the water flowing in the stream and falling down the waterfall is also calming. There is a stillness in the movement and movement in the stillness. Life flows on. Go with it.

 And while I was walking I was aware of my body. It was feeling easy and working smoothly. No tension. After a while there was a little pain in one hip and I reminded myself to alter my movement just a little. I learned this from someone who does Orthbionomy. One of the principles is to move muscles, joints, limbs in the way that that the part of the body wants to move. Often we get a pain because we are using a a particular part in a way that is causing friction. So slow down and be aware of the detail of the movement and experiment with shifting the movement slightly.
So I slowed down and brought my awareness to the movement of my legs. I became aware of the feet movements and how my foot below that hip was moving. Then as I felt each little movement of heel, ball of foot and toes, I altered the movement just a little and then my hip gradually felt okay.
Magic eh!! So simple.
The same principle can be applied to daily living. Open into stillness, observe what is happening in your body - be it muscle tension or emotion. listen deeply. What is here in this moment, no other moment but this moment.

Avoiding Emotions Sequel.

I suspect that the list of strategies for avoiding emotions is endless, so thought a sequel was needed. How come we are so good at the strategies? Are emotions really that awful?

Some people talk about it so much that it drives the emotion away.

Some people have lots of tears and wipe the emotion away with tissues.

Some people cry and then other people wipe away the emotion with comfort and pats.

Some people yell at the dog or the kids.

Some people walk away.

Some people read novels and get involved in someone else's story.

Some people produce a cover, such as hope or calmness. Hope is usually thought of a virtuous thing. But isn't it obvious that if you have a hope about the future, then you aren't focusing in the present? Hope is about wanting something to be better. So what's happening right now that you want to avoid? Do something in this moment ......feel.....speak up......stop and be still........
And calmness can be a conscious effort to not feel.

ME?? I guess I use or have used most of these strategies.

I have had a couple of periods of a few years in my life when I read lots of light novels. Enjoyable stories. Used up the time in a pleasant way and I avoided emotions.

A cover of calmness has certainly been a prominent strategy - smile and people will think I am okay. These days any calmness I have is a more genuine calmness, a deeper calmness.

Keep busy - yep, a common strategy of mine.

Hoping or wishing life was different - this too.

Actually, I think that I have been an expert at avoiding emotions.

Want to challenge my expert status?? How many strategies have you used?

And these days, my strategies just don't work as effectively. So guess what - I get to feel emotions. Some pleasant and some painful. Some wonderful. Some uncomfortable. I get to embrace them and allow them to dissolve.

Avoiding Emotions

What is your favourite strategy for avoiding emotions? Do you have a strategy? Of course you do. We all do.
Some people walk away.
Some people get physically active.
Some people tell others complaining stories.
Some people blame.
Some people go quiet.
Some people pretend to have no emotions.
What do you do?
Are you aware of what you do? Really?
Maybe you are a person who yells, screams, kicks, slam doors, runs. Then do you feel that you have felt the emotions? And then it's scary to feel emotions because you might do it again and be out of control. In our society it is judged as not good if we project emotions in this way. The dilemma is that we don't know that that behaviour is actually a strategy for avoiding emotions. We are not taught to just feel emotions. We believe that projecting and acting out is feeling. And following on from this, the belief is created that emotions are not good and need to be avoided,
We can choose not to indulge in these strategies - just stop - be aware of the feeling in the body - no story of blame or why the feeling is there -just the raw emotion. This is feeling emotion. And it is very freeing, because it then dissolves. And the story loses it's significance. Wahoo!

And can I do this?? Can you?

Since the major changes in my life I have felt more emotions than ever before. I have even been emotional!! Instead of living life along a calm middle line, I have experienced all sorts of emotions. I suspect (but don't know) that because I have piles of emotions that have been suppressed over many years they are being let out to be felt, triggered by simple little things. Impatience when the hose fitting doesn't work, frustration with the computer, anger when I can't find something, etc.
Or are these just safe situations to feel emotions?? Oh dear - the  mind can rationalize and analyse for ever.
Anyway to answer the question. Yes, I can stop and feel the raw emotion  - sometimes. Other times, the feeling hangs around for a while. maybe until something distracts me from it - oh, well - it will resurface another time. The gift of life will provide an opportunity for emotions to be felt, allowed and released.

Manifesting

Is manifesting something you want, as simple as wanting it? Is it about the detail of the wanting? Visualising? Feeling it? Experiencing it in an all round way? Trusting it will happen? Knowing it will happen? Making up a ritual about it? How does one do it?

I am living in a lovely house - We moved here 7 months ago. And there are features of this house that I have wanted for a very long time.

Since I was a young child I have wanted to live in a 2 storey house. This house has 2 bedrooms, a bathroom/toilet and a Journey room upstairs. How did that happen? What was the nature of the wanting that made it happen? Or was it just a fluke?

For a very long time I have wanted a house with a proper entrance way. You know, like a foyer, where people come in, and it welcomes them, before they move into a passage or a room. This house has a lovely entrance room. Come in, and then move upstairs, or into the lounge, or through a passage to other parts of the house. How did it happen that I now have this?

Another feature that I have wanted for a long time, is to have interesting shaped rooms rather than just square or oblong. This lounge, for example, has different levels of ceiling, and different shapes to the walls, even a built in dresser in a triangle part. I am typing this at our office desk which is part of the  lounge but in a corner off from it. How did I manage to get to live in such a house?

When I think about how I have wanted these features, I am unclear about how the wanting was. It just appears to have been a feeling of deliciousness when sensing those features. I don't remember actually thinking or trusting or knowing that I would get these things. Even when we first looked at this house, I didn't immediately think that I would be getting what I wanted.  

So did I want without wanting? Work that one out. Somehow it seems that I did.

Did I appreciate what I had before? Yes, I did. I enjoyed all the  houses I have lived in. I was grateful for the features that they had.

Did I yearn for the features that this place has? No, I didn't. They were just there, somehow.

So how have you manifested? How was it for you?

Infinite Potential

Last weekend I went to a seminar. Actually I can't call it a seminar, because it was nothing like a typical seminar. The title was Manifest Abundance. Remember my blog a couple ago and my list of wants? Oh, maybe I could apply strategies and get all my wants? Unfortunately it was not about applying strategies. It was not about organising thoughts and being specific about wants. So what was it about??
Well, it was about recognising that life is abundant regardless of what we do. It is knowing inside that me, I am infinite potential. That I came into this world as full potential and that the limits were placed on me by my emotions and beliefs about myself and about abundance.

Limiting beliefs about abundance were formed when I was young:
"Money doesn't grow on trees","Money is limited"
"One has to plan carefully for the future"
"One has to put money aside and keep it there"
"Don't spend that today, you might need it tomorrow"
"Being frugal is a virtue"
"You are a better person if you don't spend money on yourself"
" Only buy what you need, not what you want"
And many others, that in this moment, I can't remember.
And I recognise that it's the way my parents were, because of the times and because of how their parent's were. And I acknowledge that the man I married had the same or similar beliefs, which then reinforced my beliefs and carried them on.

But do I need those beliefs now?

You know, my intention for the weekend was not actually about money but somehow those beliefs showed up. My intention for the weekend was to allow my truth and the real me to shine strongly in each moment.

So how did the weekend affect me? Sometimes the effects are subtle and hard to find with our minds.
If I stop and just feel inside me, right now, then this is what comes up for me to say.
I have a stronger belief in me, in the real me - the me that is sometimes or often covered by conditioning and learned beliefs. I feel stronger and stiller and more relaxed and more energetic. My senses have been sharpened. What I see in the view or in people is somehow deeper. I have let go of something. I feel freer and more appreciative of what others have to offer.

I am more me.

And it feels like the world is very expansive, that the unexpected can turn up, that there is so much abundance around me.

I am grateful.

Gratitude for a dog's love.

Until a few months ago, I had had nothing to do with dogs, Other than feel scared of them at times. Other than not liking them sniffing at my private parts, Other than finding the barking and yapping annoying. And the smell.
So what happened when I began living with a dog? A large dog? A "menacing" dog? (Council classification)
It was actually an easy process, helped by the explanations of Paul, my partner. Step by step, I got to know Zac, a Rhodesian Ridgeback who is a beautiful colour and has this beautiful ridge of fur down his back. He's nine years old. He didn't jump up at me and he didn't bark at me.
Now, he follows me around, keeping an eye on me, sitting so close he touches my leg when people come. How protective would he be, I wonder?
He joins me when I go to feed the chooks, and explores up the hill behind while I am busy there and races down when I return from them. And races on ahead coming to a sudden stop when he realises he is way ahead of me. Unless he is keen to get inside to the fire or his breakfast, in which case he carries on at speed.
He walks with me up the steep hill on our property, stopping when I do, detouring, exploring and rejoining me.
He likes to come with me to the orchard and sits, looking expectantly at me, wanting me to throw him a bite of an apple, pear, plum or peach.
He lies in the sun while I garden and if I sit for a rest, he immediately gets up, comes over and gives me a lick before sitting down close enough for me to pat him, or lean on him.
He lies beside me if I am working on the computer and occasionally gets up and come and pushes his face under my arm.
He has a sweet tooth, just like Paul - he likes a piece of toast with honey, or a biscuit, or cake, and loves to lick clean the empty yoghurt container.
He has expanded my understanding of life and I am very grateful for this and for having him a part of my life. A friend indeed. Unconditional love.

Regarding Wanting

My friend Deborah Manchee put a comment on the  facebook page under my last blog post about wanting. She said "Wanting might just be another way to keep mind busy and stay out of the now. If you could not want and distract .... What is here?"

So I decided to sit with this and see what came up.
Here's what happened:
After sitting for a minute and asking myself "If I could not want and distract, what is here?", the answer was a feeling of uncertainty.
As I acknowledged the uncertainty, I was aware that my mind was going to the wants in an effort to delete the uncertainty feeling. My mind was actively thinking to get away from the feeling.
So, I stopped, and asked myself what was under or in the uncertainty.
A mess of emotions.
And in allowing myself to drop into the mess, what did I find? It was something about not knowing, not getting it right,  not being good enough.
And under that was anger.
And under that was stupidity.
And then hopelessness.
As I allowed the hopelessness feeling to expand, a sense of peace and acceptance arose.
Then this spread into a boundless love that was everywhere.
And in the essence of the love was stillness.
I sat in stillness. I stayed still in the stillness. There was no wanting here.

Wanting.

Lately I have become aware of lots of wanting. It seems ridiculous because I have had major wonderful life changes going on over the last year and lots of excitement. Doesn’t wanting mean dissatisfaction and not being grateful??  What right have I got to want?

You know about wanting something, I’m sure. There is that rumbling going on, that hint of something not quite how we think it should be. We think……if only, then……..  If only I had more money, then I could relax. If only I could speak up naturally and truthfully, then I would like myself.

And then I think of reasons. I want……..because ……….. It’s like a justification for the want. Making the want logical and reasonable.

I'll tell you some of them. I’ll be honest. It’s a long list. How awful is that?

And you know:   to have no wants is bliss. Really. To have no wants means total gratitude and living in joy in each moment. WOW.

And the other thing about wanting is that it sets up a barrier to getting it anyway. Wanting creates more wanting creates staying in wanting mode. Ugh!!

My list of wants:

• more money
• to be fitter
• a pair of ankle boots
• no aches and pains
• to be able to speak naturally, clearly and with compassion
• to dance in a group (chakradance sounds amazing)
• to sing
• to have more people come to see me for Journeywork
• to be able to support my daughter better
• to have a closer relationship with my children and their partners
• an increase in pay for the work I do
• to feel better about my job
• flowers
• to not mind the cold when I get out of bed in the mornings
• easy decision making
• travel
• to be totally and truthfully myself

Actually, I think I will stop here. Maybe I'll just put it out there - into the universal field of energy.

What are your main wants? I'd love to hear.

Fuckit Bucket.

I landed in the Fuckit bucket in a ball of hopelessness and pulled the lid down top of me. Oh dear. Struggling. Resisting. Now what? Carry on resisting or............................

A useful thing - a fuckit bucket. Because otherwise what would I do with that feeling? Would it stay here all the time.............now that's a scary thought!

My mind says: I shouldn't feel that way!

I could just observe myself feeling this way and allow it to happen.

My mind says: What made me feel like that?

I could just feel it.

My mind says: Take it away!

I could just accept the feeling.

My mind says: Okay, just wallow in it.

I could just relax into it.

My mind says:  Get out of it.

I could embrace it with love.

My mind says: Whatever you do, it's still here.  

Give up mind. I welcome it. It's just here. Whatever the reason,whether it's right or wrong. it's here.
And it slowly dissolves as acceptance grows.
And the fuckit bucket is emptied.

Post Traumatic Growth

One hears a lot about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder these days. It's become a disease, a label, a box to put some people into and there is no escape for them - the minute the label is known then other people have certain expectations of them. They grow certain expectations of themselves too - certain beliefs about themselves that  become firmer and firmer. After all, they have this defined disorder so they cannot step outside that. They become restricted.
What if the TRAUMA that is experienced is a GIFT? What if the trauma that turns a person's life upside down is an opportunity to turn their thoughts, assumptions, beliefs, judgements upside down, leading to a deeper understanding of life, a more expansive view on life and more compassion and love for oneself, as well as for others.

People have said that I, and my story, inspire them. When life throws us into the unexpected then we can be aware of the gift. When we look, the gift is there. If it is inspiring,then be inspired and see where that takes you.
In my previous blog I wrote about giving birth to a child who had an extra chromosome and the self-blame that went with that. And then the grief of her dying. This experience was traumatic. Was there stress afterwards that was ongoing? Yes. Was there a build up of negative self-beliefs limiting my life? Yes. And eventually I was able to meet these feelings face on and release them. The gifts were numerous - I developed compassion for parents of children with special needs and the myriad of emotions that arise. I developed compassion for parents who has lost a child through death. I developed a deeper understanding about life and death - nothing is more real than giving birth and witnessing death. I gained a deeper awareness of the values of living.

Last year I left my husband, rented and lived on my own, divided belongings, sold our lovely property that we had developed from a bare paddock, got to know a wonderful man, left my safe job after 25 years, shifted to another part of the country, started a new job. I am dealing with absolutely everything being different (and this is what happens after trauma) - routines or lack of,  rules or lack of,  other people looking at things in different ways to me. At times it has felt like I was drowning in myself. Observing my children adjusting to me being in a new relationship. Observing myself as I question everything I do and everything I say. Stepping outside of me and seeing. Watching me react and respond.
Some say I inspire them because I am willing to to be honest about how I feel and how I observe what is going on.  But there is no choice for me now. I took the step - away from restriction and the known............. and into the unknown. Into the freedom and the gift of a deeper understanding of life, a deeper awareness of myself. And with this comes emotions - all sorts - not just the happy ones. If the richness of life is to be experienced, then whatever arises is to be experienced and the emotions allowed.

For others further thoughts on Post Traumatic Growth see https://medium.com/human-parts/post-traumatic-growth-the-best-diagnosis-you-ll-receive-all-day-7720ea00b472

Bereaved Mother's Day

I gave birth to a tiny girl baby. She was physically imperfect. I blamed myself. And asked the big question - WHY? She came home and we all gave her love. Our lives revolved around her needs as we strove to interpret her signals. We wanted to get to know her. Lots of confusing emotions arose. Lots of questions and complicated thoughts were there - 24 hours a day.
Three and a half weeks later, she died - she passed on - in my arms - in the dining room - with 3 children and my husband present also. Then the feelings of being in limbo - a nothing place - until the funeral and the time of being able to publicly show grief.
Then the recrimination began. Did I do everything possible to look after her, to take care of her in the very best way? What could I have done differently? Was she always warm enough? Could I have have dripped more milk into her small mouth? What didn't I do, that could have been done - she might have lived longer. I could have got to know her better.
I spent the next 12 months trying to find out why. I continued to blame myself. What had I done to create a baby with an extra chromosome. I read lots of books from the library, I asked a friend to get books from the medical library. I learned about chromosomes. I tired out different theories in my head.  Eventually I had to give up. There was no clear reason. I continued to believe that there was a reason but I accepted that it was unfindable.
All the questions were sidetracking and distracting me from the grief. From the overwhelming sadness of losing a baby. From giving birth and then loving her for such a short time. And also from my own feelings of worthlessness and being not good enough. The feelings bubbled up at unexpected times. Times when I was unable to explain or talk about the feelings.
Years later these emotions were drawn out of me during a session at a Journey event. (www.thejourney.com) Then I relaxed and allowed the feelings. And all was okay - I was able to look at the experience in light and love.

Is communication just the words?

Communication – is it really just the words? I know 2 young people who communicate very effectively without language. The eyes look directly at mine with a depth of meaning in them – how can so much meaning be expressed in eyes?? The body language says even more – movements of arms, position of their stance, tenseness. Touching me, pulling me somewhere, pulling away from me, coming into my arms. Except at times when the message does not get across accurately. Then the frustration and pain of not being understood is right out there. I feel their pain and rack my brains for what they might be meaning. They make a noise, but no words. Noises also convey meaning but not always enough. At this stage, the words are important. At this stage communication changes – feelings are openly expressed in body language and the eyes. Wants can be translated by showing, pointing, pulling. More complex communication needs words  - or signs, or pointing to pictures. Complicated!!

Think about eyes and what yours communicate. Do you hide your eyes? If you have thick rims on your glasses you are hiding! From what? Some years ago I decided to have the thinnest rims possible, and none on the bottom. I want to be open and honest and allow people to see my eyes. Contact lenses are probably even more open. Look at your eyes in the mirror and see YOU. Change how you feel and look at your eyes, change what you think and look into your eyes. Look at other people in the eye (without staring) and see what you see. Ask: does this match what the words say? Are the eyes honest? Are the words honest?

I have recently experienced the words not being honest and I knew this because the eyes did not match. I felt not valued and not trusted, and there was no real connection between the person and myself. You will have experienced the real connection that happens when there is a real honest conversation – it is a wonderful feeling – like the source of one person meets the source of another – as if love meets love. So Iets you and I remember these magical moments and create even more by being open, by speaking consciously in truth.

Reckless Abandon.

I love the phrase living life with reckless abandon. Can you do it? I mean - can you live with reckless abandon? This doesn't mean irresponsibly, this doesn't mean not being aware of others in your life. It means being expansive inside yourself and not letting ties tie you down to preconceived ideas, judgements and  negative beliefs about yourself. Personally, I have been living in the unknown for the last several months - and it feels like reckless abandon. It involves fun and laughter. It involves tears and sadness. It involves the richness of life being allowed. It involves fully experiencing whatever is here right now in this moment. It involves letting go and allowing whatever is happening to happen. It involves tipping judgements and ideas upside down and looking at them from a different angle. And if you think this is impossible, actually it is not. But for some of us, it needs a trigger - such as a life event, something scary, some major change which means we dive deeper into life and deeper into ourselves. So it has been for me. Stuff was building inside me. Finally the last straw happened, and I stepped away from the life I knew, including my husband. I lived on my own for a few months,  and then took another step - left my job of 25 years, moved to a different part of the country with a new partner, started a new job. For some people, a major life event may drive them into a closed shut down place. If this is you, show compassion for yourself. You are doing this because you want to keep yourself safe. It is scary to jump or step into something that is different. It is frightening when your circumstances change. Every minute of every day requires vigilance and re-evaluation. It is tiring. Even a tiny step can seem huge. Just know that you will reach that place where you will just do it and it will be perfectly right and natural. Live life with reckless abandon.