Friday, December 2, 2016

Vulnerability has been occurring for me many times over the last couple of years. Never before had it been allowed. I have felt totally devastated by the strength of the hurt. The feeling of being totally exposed. The rawness of the vulnerability has been tough.
But I have discovered something very magical in the hurt and vulnerability. 
Something unbelievable really. Because we consider hurt and emotional pain and vulnerability as a negative thing. Something that we don't want to have. And yet, the magic of it is that I am aware of an expansiveness. 
I am aware of a deeper awareness of life. 
A spaciousness which spreads from within me to without. 
A connection with all beings and with nature. 
A deeper awareness of me. 
A stillness.

Just BE.

I've had a busy week. I have been able to be busy and concentrate on that.  It's great. No space to contemplate or allow deeper things to creep in. Being alone (not lonely) - being strong in myself - knowing my inner truth - trusting me. Not taking on board others emotions or feeling responsible for them - giving support, not wanting to fix. Though challenges arise when other people who are so in their mind and can't step outside to observe - or is it that other people has ideas and words that then create thoughts and emotions in response.

What is it about just BE-ing that is hard. Old patterns of behaving and responding arise in times of stress.

What is it about BE-ing that is difficult? That means not thinking about the future or if I do, then letting it be light.

What is it about BE-ing that is a challenge? It means not trying to sort out what is right.

And when emotions arise, some feel uncomfortable - these are the ones that are difficult to just feel.
It's great to practice this with the support of a Journey Practitioner - in a guided introspection, the situation is embraced in a way where observation of oneself is possible. Then the tools of allowing emotions to be felt in one's body and letting them dissolve and observing oneself in the process can be applied in daily life.


Vulnerability is hurt and exposure. It really hurts.

It's amazing how much it hurts. And even when we distract ourselves for a while, it comes back.
And even when we try to deny it, it sneaks back in.
And when we lie down at night, the mind starts up in the quiet and will not be stilled.
We can try and focus on breathing and it still works its way in.
We can try and think of something else but after a minute, back it comes.
You might read a book, but after stopping reading, back it comes.
Very powerful. Very determined to be there.
How to get rid of it??
You might think that you need to blame someone else for your hurt? You might think that if you load the other person, then it will take it away from you. You might think that if you can come up with some clear reason for why it happened, then it will go away.
You might think that you can figure it out and then it will go. 
Our mind tries to tell us that if we keep thinking, we can think ourselves out of it.
BUT, our feelings are not in our head, so how can our mind do this. Our mind thinks it is in charge, and tries very hard to get us to believe this.
BUT our body is in charge. No matter what we do, those feelings still emerge. The hurt still gets felt. Our body may even complain with aches and pains and illnesses. And do we listen?
The way out is to go in.
Go into the feeling. Focus your awareness on the feeling. Maybe distract your mind by asking yourself - "Where in my body do I feel that feeling?" and then bring your awareness to the feeling. Play with this with no effort. Afterall, most of us are unskilled at feeling because in our childhood, we were not encouraged to feel. We were encouraged to deny or stuff them down.
So be compassionate with yourself and observe yourself as you feel. Let your self feel the hurt. Let yourself feel the anger. Let yourself feel the betrayal. If you want to hang onto it, let yourself keep thinking about who caused it. But if your choice is to let it go, then let yourself feel. Let the feeling be totally felt, and feel yourself float through it to the peace and love that is underneath.