Saturday, May 30, 2015

Regarding Wanting

My friend Deborah Manchee put a comment on the  facebook page under my last blog post about wanting. She said "Wanting might just be another way to keep mind busy and stay out of the now. If you could not want and distract .... What is here?"

So I decided to sit with this and see what came up.
Here's what happened:
After sitting for a minute and asking myself "If I could not want and distract, what is here?", the answer was a feeling of uncertainty.
As I acknowledged the uncertainty, I was aware that my mind was going to the wants in an effort to delete the uncertainty feeling. My mind was actively thinking to get away from the feeling.
So, I stopped, and asked myself what was under or in the uncertainty.
A mess of emotions.
And in allowing myself to drop into the mess, what did I find? It was something about not knowing, not getting it right,  not being good enough.
And under that was anger.
And under that was stupidity.
And then hopelessness.
As I allowed the hopelessness feeling to expand, a sense of peace and acceptance arose.
Then this spread into a boundless love that was everywhere.
And in the essence of the love was stillness.
I sat in stillness. I stayed still in the stillness. There was no wanting here.

Friday, May 29, 2015


Lately I have become aware of lots of wanting. It seems ridiculous because I have had major wonderful life changes going on over the last year and lots of excitement. Doesn’t wanting mean dissatisfaction and not being grateful??  What right have I got to want?
You know about wanting something, I’m sure. There is that rumbling going on, that hint of something not quite how we think it should be. We think……if only, then……..  If only I had more money, then I could relax. If only I could speak up naturally and truthfully, then I would like myself.
And then I think of reasons. I want……..because ……….. It’s like a justification for the want. Making the want logical and reasonable.
I'll tell you some of them. I’ll be honest. It’s a long list. How awful is that?

And you know:   to have no wants is bliss. Really. To have no wants means total gratitude and living in joy in each moment. WOW.

And the other thing about wanting is that it sets up a barrier to getting it anyway. Wanting creates more wanting creates staying in wanting mode. Ugh!!

My list of wants:

  • more money
  • to be fitter
  • a pair of ankle boots
  • no aches and pains
  • to be able to speak naturally, clearly and with compassion
  • to dance in a group (chakradance sounds amazing)
  • to sing
  • to have more people come to see me for Journeywork
  • to be able to support my daughter better
  • to have a closer relationship with my children and their partners
  • an increase in pay for the work I do
  • to feel better about my job
  • flowers
  • to not mind the cold when I get out of bed in the mornings
  • easy decision making
  • travel
  • to be totally and truthfully myself

Actually, I think I will stop here. Maybe I'll just put it out there - into the universal field of energy.
What are your main wants? I'd love to hear.

Saturday, May 23, 2015

Fuckit Bucket.

I landed in the Fuckit bucket in a ball of hopelessness and pulled the lid down top of me. Oh dear. Struggling. Resisting. Now what? Carry on resisting or............................

A useful thing - a fuckit bucket. Because otherwise what would I do with that feeling? Would it stay here all the that's a scary thought!

My mind says: I shouldn't feel that way!

I could just observe myself feeling this way and allow it to happen.

My mind says: What made me feel like that?

I could just feel it.

My mind says: Take it away!

I could just accept the feeling.

My mind says: Okay, just wallow in it.

I could just relax into it.

My mind says:  Get out of it.

I could embrace it with love.

My mind says: Whatever you do, it's still here.  

Give up mind. I welcome it. It's just here. Whatever the reason,whether it's right or wrong. it's here.
And it slowly dissolves as acceptance grows.
And the fuckit bucket is emptied.

Saturday, May 16, 2015

Post Traumatic Growth

One hears a lot about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder these days. It's become a disease, a label, a box to put some people into and there is no escape for them - the minute the label is known then other people have certain expectations of them. They grow certain expectations of themselves too - certain beliefs about themselves that  become firmer and firmer. After all, they have this defined disorder so they cannot step outside that. They become restricted.
What if the TRAUMA that is experienced is a GIFT? What if the trauma that turns a person's life upside down is an opportunity to turn their thoughts, assumptions, beliefs, judgements upside down, leading to a deeper understanding of life, a more expansive view on life and more compassion and love for oneself, as well as for others.

People have said that I, and my story, inspire them. When life throws us into the unexpected then we can be aware of the gift. When we look, the gift is there. If it is inspiring,then be inspired and see where that takes you.
In my previous blog I wrote about giving birth to a child who had an extra chromosome and the self-blame that went with that. And then the grief of her dying. This experience was traumatic. Was there stress afterwards that was ongoing? Yes. Was there a build up of negative self-beliefs limiting my life? Yes. And eventually I was able to meet these feelings face on and release them. The gifts were numerous - I developed compassion for parents of children with special needs and the myriad of emotions that arise. I developed compassion for parents who has lost a child through death. I developed a deeper understanding about life and death - nothing is more real than giving birth and witnessing death. I gained a deeper awareness of the values of living.

Last year I left my husband, rented and lived on my own, divided belongings, sold our lovely property that we had developed from a bare paddock, got to know a wonderful man, left my safe job after 25 years, shifted to another part of the country, started a new job. I am dealing with absolutely everything being different (and this is what happens after trauma) - routines or lack of,  rules or lack of,  other people looking at things in different ways to me. At times it has felt like I was drowning in myself. Observing my children adjusting to me being in a new relationship. Observing myself as I question everything I do and everything I say. Stepping outside of me and seeing. Watching me react and respond.
Some say I inspire them because I am willing to to be honest about how I feel and how I observe what is going on.  But there is no choice for me now. I took the step - away from restriction and the known............. and into the unknown. Into the freedom and the gift of a deeper understanding of life, a deeper awareness of myself. And with this comes emotions - all sorts - not just the happy ones. If the richness of life is to be experienced, then whatever arises is to be experienced and the emotions allowed.

For others further thoughts on Post Traumatic Growth see

Monday, May 4, 2015

Bereaved Mother's Day

I gave birth to a tiny girl baby. She was physically imperfect. I blamed myself. And asked the big question - WHY? She came home and we all gave her love. Our lives revolved around her needs as we strove to interpret her signals. We wanted to get to know her. Lots of confusing emotions arose. Lots of questions and complicated thoughts were there - 24 hours a day.
Three and a half weeks later, she died - she passed on - in my arms - in the dining room - with 3 children and my husband present also. Then the feelings of being in limbo - a nothing place - until the funeral and the time of being able to publicly show grief.
Then the recrimination began. Did I do everything possible to look after her, to take care of her in the very best way? What could I have done differently? Was she always warm enough? Could I have have dripped more milk into her small mouth? What didn't I do, that could have been done - she might have lived longer. I could have got to know her better.
I spent the next 12 months trying to find out why. I continued to blame myself. What had I done to create a baby with an extra chromosome. I read lots of books from the library, I asked a friend to get books from the medical library. I learned about chromosomes. I tired out different theories in my head.  Eventually I had to give up. There was no clear reason. I continued to believe that there was a reason but I accepted that it was unfindable.
All the questions were sidetracking and distracting me from the grief. From the overwhelming sadness of losing a baby. From giving birth and then loving her for such a short time. And also from my own feelings of worthlessness and being not good enough. The feelings bubbled up at unexpected times. Times when I was unable to explain or talk about the feelings.
Years later these emotions were drawn out of me during a session at a Journey event. ( Then I relaxed and allowed the feelings. And all was okay - I was able to look at the experience in light and love.