I gave birth to a tiny girl baby. She was physically imperfect. I blamed myself. And asked the big question - WHY? She came home and we all gave her love. Our lives revolved around her needs as we strove to interpret her signals. We wanted to get to know her. Lots of confusing emotions arose. Lots of questions and complicated thoughts were there - 24 hours a day.
Three and a half weeks later, she died - she passed on - in my arms - in the dining room - with 3 children and my husband present also. Then the feelings of being in limbo - a nothing place - until the funeral and the time of being able to publicly show grief.
Then the recrimination began. Did I do everything possible to look after her, to take care of her in the very best way? What could I have done differently? Was she always warm enough? Could I have have dripped more milk into her small mouth? What didn't I do, that could have been done - she might have lived longer. I could have got to know her better.
I spent the next 12 months trying to find out why. I continued to blame myself. What had I done to create a baby with an extra chromosome. I read lots of books from the library, I asked a friend to get books from the medical library. I learned about chromosomes. I tired out different theories in my head. Eventually I had to give up. There was no clear reason. I continued to believe that there was a reason but I accepted that it was unfindable.
All the questions were sidetracking and distracting me from the grief. From the overwhelming sadness of losing a baby. From giving birth and then loving her for such a short time. And also from my own feelings of worthlessness and being not good enough. The feelings bubbled up at unexpected times. Times when I was unable to explain or talk about the feelings.
Years later these emotions were drawn out of me during a session at a Journey event. (www.thejourney.com) Then I relaxed and allowed the feelings. And all was okay - I was able to look at the experience in light and love.
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