Thursday, August 25, 2016


The mind can be very busy about living on one's own in these early stages. It's can and does go in different directions depending on how I am feeling.

Mostly the  mind and the being are settling nicely. See, I'm observing myself and realise that I need time. I have lots to organise to fix the house so this is giving me time. I have lots to do in the small garden so this too, is providing daily purpose and fun and excitement. And I am looking after me - having compassion, going for walks on the beach, sitting in the sun, frequenting the garden shop and cafe.

And the memories of the relationship. Why do I cling to............ something of the past. My mind can come up with ideas about this. But really, there is an emotion here that needs to leave!!!!! And I guess I need to face it first. But again I am clinging..................... maybe its a little something of being a victim. And yet I made the decision to separate. So what the other person is doing shouldn't affect me, should it??  Funny how the mind comes up with should's and should not's. Which means I am resisting. And you know the story - that which we resist persists!!!! 

And yet, the acceptance is not yet happening. I know myself enough to know that it will - when I am ready to let go of needing to be a little bit of a victim. To be really honest there are feelings of betrayal, stupidity, unfairness. There is no logic about these. There is no right or no wrong about feeling them. They just are. They are purely emotions and they can be let go. They will dissolve when I no longer need to hang on to them. I wonder when that will be?

Tuesday, August 2, 2016

The separation.

An earlier blog reported on the decision of my partner and myself to separate. That was 8 months ago. It took 8 months to sell our property.

It was 8 months of life being on hold - or so it felt - until I got tired of being on hold. You know - being on hold is a waste of time. I learned this. What is the point. It was just waiting, waiting, waiting. Could have been waiting for ever!

So when I became aware of this, I made the decision to not be on hold. Life is whatever is here now. So what was available in the now's?
Well, emotions for a start - always frequent emotions - vulnerability, sadness, grieving, frustration, anger  -  allowing and accepting these.
And also things to do. Funny how my belief that my life was on hold appeared to mean that nothing interesting popped into my radar.
After my decision to not be on hold, then things appeared - a notice about a dance group, meeting a person who does reflexology (deeply relaxing), clients, social things, walks, opportunities.

At times, it felt there was still a certain amount of holding - decisions about when to speak up, let comments go, being pleasant anyway. These were like survival things - not creating uncomfortable conflict. Or was I just trying to make things easier.(being weak?) Yet maybe there was continued learning in this also - acceptance and knowing that one doesn't need to speak up every time.  Defensiveness takes many forms. No need to defend myself. I think I prefer this reasoning. But no need to know - it is in the past and whatever learning has taken place is not always able to be articulated.

And in amongst all of this, growth and awareness happening inside me. Out from within the vulnerability and the other emotions, arose a strength and a certainty.  A knowing about not knowing.