Tuesday, August 2, 2016

The separation.

An earlier blog reported on the decision of my partner and myself to separate. That was 8 months ago. It took 8 months to sell our property.

It was 8 months of life being on hold - or so it felt - until I got tired of being on hold. You know - being on hold is a waste of time. I learned this. What is the point. It was just waiting, waiting, waiting. Could have been waiting for ever!

So when I became aware of this, I made the decision to not be on hold. Life is whatever is here now. So what was available in the now's?
Well, emotions for a start - always frequent emotions - vulnerability, sadness, grieving, frustration, anger  -  allowing and accepting these.
And also things to do. Funny how my belief that my life was on hold appeared to mean that nothing interesting popped into my radar.
After my decision to not be on hold, then things appeared - a notice about a dance group, meeting a person who does reflexology (deeply relaxing), clients, social things, walks, opportunities.

At times, it felt there was still a certain amount of holding - decisions about when to speak up, let comments go, being pleasant anyway. These were like survival things - not creating uncomfortable conflict. Or was I just trying to make things easier.(being weak?) Yet maybe there was continued learning in this also - acceptance and knowing that one doesn't need to speak up every time.  Defensiveness takes many forms. No need to defend myself. I think I prefer this reasoning. But no need to know - it is in the past and whatever learning has taken place is not always able to be articulated.

And in amongst all of this, growth and awareness happening inside me. Out from within the vulnerability and the other emotions, arose a strength and a certainty.  A knowing about not knowing.

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