Regarding Wanting

My friend Deborah Manchee put a comment on the  facebook page under my last blog post about wanting. She said "Wanting might just be another way to keep mind busy and stay out of the now. If you could not want and distract .... What is here?"

So I decided to sit with this and see what came up.
Here's what happened:
After sitting for a minute and asking myself "If I could not want and distract, what is here?", the answer was a feeling of uncertainty.
As I acknowledged the uncertainty, I was aware that my mind was going to the wants in an effort to delete the uncertainty feeling. My mind was actively thinking to get away from the feeling.
So, I stopped, and asked myself what was under or in the uncertainty.
A mess of emotions.
And in allowing myself to drop into the mess, what did I find? It was something about not knowing, not getting it right,  not being good enough.
And under that was anger.
And under that was stupidity.
And then hopelessness.
As I allowed the hopelessness feeling to expand, a sense of peace and acceptance arose.
Then this spread into a boundless love that was everywhere.
And in the essence of the love was stillness.
I sat in stillness. I stayed still in the stillness. There was no wanting here.