Vulnerability has been occurring for me many times over the last couple of years. Never before had it been allowed. I have felt totally devastated by the strength of the hurt. The feeling of being totally exposed. The rawness of the vulnerability has been tough.
But I have discovered something very magical in the hurt and vulnerability. 
Something unbelievable really. Because we consider hurt and emotional pain and vulnerability as a negative thing. Something that we don't want to have. And yet, the magic of it is that I am aware of an expansiveness. 
I am aware of a deeper awareness of life. 
A spaciousness which spreads from within me to without. 
A connection with all beings and with nature. 
A deeper awareness of me. 
A stillness.

Just BE.

I've had a busy week. I have been able to be busy and concentrate on that.  It's great. No space to contemplate or allow deeper things to creep in. Being alone (not lonely) - being strong in myself - knowing my inner truth - trusting me. Not taking on board others emotions or feeling responsible for them - giving support, not wanting to fix. Though challenges arise when other people who are so in their mind and can't step outside to observe - or is it that other people has ideas and words that then create thoughts and emotions in response.

What is it about just BE-ing that is hard. Old patterns of behaving and responding arise in times of stress.

What is it about BE-ing that is difficult? That means not thinking about the future or if I do, then letting it be light.

What is it about BE-ing that is a challenge? It means not trying to sort out what is right.


And when emotions arise, some feel uncomfortable - these are the ones that are difficult to just feel.
It's great to practice this with the support of a Journey Practitioner - in a guided introspection, the situation is embraced in a way where observation of oneself is possible. Then the tools of allowing emotions to be felt in one's body and letting them dissolve and observing oneself in the process can be applied in daily life.

Vulnerability

Vulnerability is hurt and exposure. It really hurts.

It's amazing how much it hurts. And even when we distract ourselves for a while, it comes back.
And even when we try to deny it, it sneaks back in.
And when we lie down at night, the mind starts up in the quiet and will not be stilled.
We can try and focus on breathing and it still works its way in.
We can try and think of something else but after a minute, back it comes.
You might read a book, but after stopping reading, back it comes.
Very powerful. Very determined to be there.
How to get rid of it??
You might think that you need to blame someone else for your hurt? You might think that if you load the other person, then it will take it away from you. You might think that if you can come up with some clear reason for why it happened, then it will go away.
You might think that you can figure it out and then it will go. 
Our mind tries to tell us that if we keep thinking, we can think ourselves out of it.
BUT, our feelings are not in our head, so how can our mind do this. Our mind thinks it is in charge, and tries very hard to get us to believe this.
BUT our body is in charge. No matter what we do, those feelings still emerge. The hurt still gets felt. Our body may even complain with aches and pains and illnesses. And do we listen?
The way out is to go in.
Go into the feeling. Focus your awareness on the feeling. Maybe distract your mind by asking yourself - "Where in my body do I feel that feeling?" and then bring your awareness to the feeling. Play with this with no effort. Afterall, most of us are unskilled at feeling because in our childhood, we were not encouraged to feel. We were encouraged to deny or stuff them down.
So be compassionate with yourself and observe yourself as you feel. Let your self feel the hurt. Let yourself feel the anger. Let yourself feel the betrayal. If you want to hang onto it, let yourself keep thinking about who caused it. But if your choice is to let it go, then let yourself feel. Let the feeling be totally felt, and feel yourself float through it to the peace and love that is underneath.
 

Gratitude.

Being grateful.
Most people would say that they are.
Many people write lists of things they are grateful for.
Some people write a Gratitude Journal - every day.
Some people feel that they should be grateful and therefore they are

Know what? Saying the words
                      writing the words
                      thinking the words
                      telling yourself
does not mean that you feel gratitude.

The thinking mind is really quite separate to feeling deeply inside yourself.
You may even get a little bit of feeling grateful, but just know that there are layers of this feeling.
And you cannot think yourself into it. You cannot make yourself feel grateful.

So you want to feel grateful?? Because you have read or heard that you will get more from the universe if you do? Or because you want to deny other feelings?
Ah-ha, good honesty.
I suggest that you catch yourself feeling love. That boundless love that is non-judgemental and welcoming.
From this, gratitude will arise naturally.

Being alone - living alone

Since moving in with myself, I have been busy organising for things about the house to be fixed, as well as changing the garden and buying plants, as well as working some days. These have occupied time, providing a busyness which has meant an easing into being on my own. As I gradually settle and relax, I am adjusting to how this life is for me. Getting to know new people and coming home to my own place on my own. Making decisions on my own. Trusting me. Valuing me. Taking care of me. On the way to taking time to really sit in silence in me - as the busyness slows. When do you sit in silence in you? Down at the beach? (Yes, I did that the other day) In the bush?  By the river? On top of a hill? Places in nature support us to be in the stillness in ourselves. The sky, the waves, the stream, the bush, the clouds, the flowers - the expansiveness of nature embraces us. Or maybe you need movement - walking, dancing. Being still in the movement. And moving in the stillness.   This is the Viking Rune "The Self". The starting point is self. Only clarity, willingness to change, is effective now. For from a correct relationship to yourself comes a right relationship to all others and to the Divine.

Aloneness

The mind can be very busy about living on one's own in these early stages. It's can and does go in different directions depending on how I am feeling.

Mostly the  mind and the being are settling nicely. See, I'm observing myself and realise that I need time. I have lots to organise to fix the house so this is giving me time. I have lots to do in the small garden so this too, is providing daily purpose and fun and excitement. And I am looking after me - having compassion, going for walks on the beach, sitting in the sun, frequenting the garden shop and cafe.

And the memories of the relationship. Why do I cling to............ something of the past. My mind can come up with ideas about this. But really, there is an emotion here that needs to leave!!!!! And I guess I need to face it first. But again I am clinging..................... maybe its a little something of being a victim. And yet I made the decision to separate. So what the other person is doing shouldn't affect me, should it??  Funny how the mind comes up with should's and should not's. Which means I am resisting. And you know the story - that which we resist persists!!!! 

And yet, the acceptance is not yet happening. I know myself enough to know that it will - when I am ready to let go of needing to be a little bit of a victim. To be really honest there are feelings of betrayal, stupidity, unfairness. There is no logic about these. There is no right or no wrong about feeling them. They just are. They are purely emotions and they can be let go. They will dissolve when I no longer need to hang on to them. I wonder when that will be?

The separation.

An earlier blog reported on the decision of my partner and myself to separate. That was 8 months ago. It took 8 months to sell our property.

It was 8 months of life being on hold - or so it felt - until I got tired of being on hold. You know - being on hold is a waste of time. I learned this. What is the point. It was just waiting, waiting, waiting. Could have been waiting for ever!

So when I became aware of this, I made the decision to not be on hold. Life is whatever is here now. So what was available in the now's?
Well, emotions for a start - always frequent emotions - vulnerability, sadness, grieving, frustration, anger  -  allowing and accepting these.
And also things to do. Funny how my belief that my life was on hold appeared to mean that nothing interesting popped into my radar.
After my decision to not be on hold, then things appeared - a notice about a dance group, meeting a person who does reflexology (deeply relaxing), clients, social things, walks, opportunities.

At times, it felt there was still a certain amount of holding - decisions about when to speak up, let comments go, being pleasant anyway. These were like survival things - not creating uncomfortable conflict. Or was I just trying to make things easier.(being weak?) Yet maybe there was continued learning in this also - acceptance and knowing that one doesn't need to speak up every time.  Defensiveness takes many forms. No need to defend myself. I think I prefer this reasoning. But no need to know - it is in the past and whatever learning has taken place is not always able to be articulated.

And in amongst all of this, growth and awareness happening inside me. Out from within the vulnerability and the other emotions, arose a strength and a certainty.  A knowing about not knowing.