Thursday, June 29, 2017

Relationships: What is seen and what is buried?

This is not a column of how to make relationships work, nor how to find the perfect relationship. It’s about you and me. There is something in the core of us that wants to be loved. To be cared for. To be treasured. To be safe and protected. There is a want to share fun things, to share achievements, to share troubles. Someone who just “gets” you. Someone who values you and respects you. Who really listens. Someone to show love to, to care for and do things for. Me too.
For some people, these relationships are with family members. For some people, these relationships are with close friends. For some people these relationships are with animals. And for some, the love is between love partners.
What do you bring to a relationship? You bring your personality, your behaviour patterns built up over years, your way of talking, the words and phrases you use, your habits, your love language, your values, your beliefs about life, your beliefs about yourself, your need for control, your need for physical closeness, your need for spontaneity, your need for clarity and rules, your need for understanding…………….. And then, do each of these things match those of the other person? Not in terms of whether these factors are there and apparent, but rather HOW they manifest in daily life for you and the other person. What is the sea-saw effect inside you when there are differences? How much internal movement happens when you try and be the same? How rocky do you like things to be? How much conflict can you tolerate? Do emotions such as resentment build up inside?
Notice what goes on inside you. You are questioned …… do you interpret these questions? You are told what to do………do you interpret this as being controlled or not? You are given feedback………do you interpret this as criticism or not?
And do you notice that all these things depend on how you feel about yourself? If you feel great and confident in yourself, things just slide off? If you are feeling a bit down then differences in comments, beliefs, values can seem important.
Our perspectives and interpretations are how we see our world. Inside you are an amazing being. In relationship you have the opportunity for connection with another. But there may be a gap between you. What is dropping into this gap and being lost?
Our innermost needs arise at odd times and we may not always be aware of them. As they arise, observe how they sit in you. Maybe you can meet your own needs. Maybe you can take care of you. Show yourself compassion. Show yourself love. Treasure you. Take time for you to meet your needs. Maybe you need some quiet time, some walk in bush time, some creativity time, some listen to yourself time. And then your expectations of the other may not be so definite.

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