Wednesday, January 23, 2019
Lately, I sense a greater awareness of living my life being totally responsible for myself. This is not actually a mind decision. No logic involved. It arose in me before Christmas. It arose inside me, probably because of the experience that I had at the Leela School in December, where I experienced dying by dropping deep into the worst possible emotions. And then into a situation of there being no me, no I, and just plain no nothing. But such peace and knowing and openness with no limits.
Quite likely, you think you are already being responsible for yourself. And I’m sure this is true. However there are ways of being aware of yourself that can deepen the responsibility. You might be thinking that you are as you are, because of the family that you were born into, or the town/country that you grew up in, or the friends you had or have. But really, is this not blaming others and other things for how you are. Aren’t you being a victim?
What if you could step out of the upbringing influences?
What if you could stop blaming others for the way you are?
What if you had to stop this?
What would you be left with?
And how could you then be responsible for you?
For me, there was a friend that I hadn’t heard from for a while, so instead of wondering what’s going on, I invited her to dinner – I took a step out of my usual pattern of waiting. I instigated contact which is not something I always do.
I am super aware of my response to other people. Am I being influenced ……maybe because I don’t want to disagree? Am I wanting them to approve or am I being responsible for what truth is saying inside me? Am I taking others comments personally or am I in an expansive place that welcomes all comments as an expression of them, rather than meaning anything about me.
Recently I decided that I would take a step towards something I want. I realised that I don’t have to fit into a concept of what someone my age would do or not do. I can act instead of feeling limited and confined. And I don’t have to work it all out. I can do each step in truth and openness. And it is truly astonishing, really truly astonishing, how things are aligning and happening.
It seems that taking a deeper responsibility for my life is remarkably freeing.