Are these 3
the same thing?
Anyway,
starting at the beginning. When children are young, parents, educators and
others encourage children to say they are sorry, when they have hurt someone,
or broken someone’s thing. Children are told to say sorry, before they have
even understood what it means. It looks like just being taught the words for
the occasion. However, most people probably also model this around the children
and say they are sorry when required. An adult might even say, for example:
“I’m sorry that you broke Aunty’s vase. Now she doesn’t have her vase that she
has loved for years. I’m going to say sorry to Aunty. How about you do too?”
For some
adults, sorry doesn’t happen. Maybe they didn’t have the teaching or the
modelling when young. And there is more to it than that. Saying sorry or
apologising can be downright difficult. It can feel really awkward. It’s like
exposing yourself as being wrong. It’s like revealing your worst self. You just
don’t want to say those words. How would you feel about asking someone to
forgive you? Does that feel even stronger?
When you do
say sorry, does the other person acknowledge what you have said and say thank
you? What do you say when someone apologises to you? Often we tend to brush it
off and say something like “That’s ok” or “No need to apologise” or “There is
nothing to forgive”. We try and make things better as fast as possible to get
out of that awkward situation, instead of using the opportunity for a real
connection.
I have had
the experience of my apology and my asking for forgiveness being treated just
like that. And for me, it then feels like I’m not free of it. When someone told me that forgiveness was not
needed, I felt like I was being shut off, brushed aside, not listened too, and
not valued.
Asking for
forgiveness or apologising for something you have done, whether you meant to do
it or not, gives you the opportunity to be honest, it gives you the chance to
show kindness, it gives you the time to connect authentically. It allows you to
accept what you did and to be free of the feelings associated with it. It
allows you to drop it.
It could be
an apology for words causing emotional hurt, or upset, even though you were
unaware of doing that and had no intention of causing pain. Apologies are
powerful. They can mean that you connect instead of brushing stuff aside.
Responding
to an apology or request for forgiveness is a wonderful chance to really listen
and understand the other side. To inquire into what was actually going on for
the other person. So feel grateful for the apology and say thank you, instead
of brushing it away.
And think about saying sorry to yourself. Or
forgiving yourself. Give yourself some love and compassion.
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