When you were a baby...........

What happened to you when you were little?

Were you fed as often and long as you wanted? Were your cries heard and responded too immediately? Did you have lots of cuddles? Were you held close a lot of the time? Did you develop a connection with a primary carer, and later on, the next important carer? Were you sung to, talked to, face-to-face?

If the answer is yes, then probably you developed trust in people, you developed trust that people would meet your needs, you developed an ability to be honest about what was going on for you, you developed an ability to give your love, you developed an ability to trust yourself.

It’s interesting how the first few weeks play a part in how you are as an adult. The first 3 years evolve the patterns and abilities that you have as an adult.

Life doesn’t run perfectly. Things happen in lives. These things alter how we develop. Our parents have their own imperfect patterns and ways of being that affect how much they can be available to growing babies and children. Accidents happen, hospitalisations happen, illnesses happen, relationships break up, shifting house happens, people die, emotional upheavals happen. For me, I had an older brother sick with Polio, when I was born, meaning that I had less attention, my needs were probably not met immediately, people around me were worried and tense. This affected me in many ways, including not being able to speak up for what I want or offer an opinion believing that I won’t be heard (because I wasn’t heard then) and I’m not of value.

But however your early life has affected you, whatever you blame for how you are, there is the possibility of change. 

You do not have to stay stuck in those old patterns.

The first step is to become aware of the patterns and ways of behaving or speaking. This does not mean analysing and working out why you are as you are. Your mind would have a field day but would also not be able to work it out clearly, because it’s impossible. Then you are just wasting time going round and round. (I know, I’ve done it) It means noticing. Notice your response to what someone says. Notice if you feel offended. Notice what other feelings arise. Do nothing with them. Just notice.

Try the experiment of noticing. Over time you may find that there is a slowing down inside you, as you take the time to notice. And then, there may be a tiny gap – a space in which a choice will arise – the choice to play the same old response or pattern, the choice to flip your way of looking at something, the choice to open to a different judgement, the choice to trust an inner wisdom, the choice to allow your kindest self to emerge.

Notice. Slow down.

Doubt

This stuff seems to be in my head rather a lot, so thought I’d have a go at inquiring into what it really is. Or if you are a professional person, the word might be “unpack”. In other words, have a discussion about the topic and see what can be resolved or decided on.

Doubt seems to be an endless stream of questions that come from all angles regarding something I am thinking of doing. Or something I am thinking of buying (those shoes!). They arrive quickly or at odd moments and disrupt a peace that I might be experiencing. Maybe I’ve had a great idea pop into my mind and it’s feeling really nice and positive. Then the doubts begin. They go round and round, many of them ridiculous, but still my mind produces them. Here’s an example; someone asked me via email if I run one day retreats in Christchurch. And of course, I told her that I used to hold them there when lived there, up until 4 years ago. Anyway, the seed of the idea was planted and I had the idea that I could hold a retreat in Christchurch again – and I’m picturing the venue and the people. Until – oh no – how do I get people to come, do I fly or drive (can take my crystal bowls if drive), takes more time of I drive, but having a car there would be useful, could I really be the person running a day retreat as I would like to, what do I need to think about to run it, better get onto it if I want to book flights or ferry, do I have the courage to drive down, would be great to drive…………………………..

Do you get into these sorts of tizz? For me it can happen about the smallest thing. I go along in life for a while trusting, being open, following ideas, and then suddenly the doubts arise. The questioning thoughts pop up too much. Analysing ideas. Producing dubiousness and hesitation. Even after I’ve followed an idea or bought an item of clothing, the doubts arise afterwards as well.

Maybe you think that doubts should be listened to? That they are helping you be careful in life? That they are protecting you from failure? That they are keeping you from conflict? That they are keeping you safe? Mmmmmmmmm

Or are they limiting you?